Positioning your mind...

Working on getting my head in the right place.

The only true mastery is self-mastery. - O Sensei

In my last post, I called out teaching as a true superpower. Before you can teach anyone, you need your mind in a good place. Anyone who has ever taught children, teens, or adults will know that they test you (to your limits sometimes).

I’ve spent most of my 72 years trying to master my own emotions, especially my anger. I am not always the calm, caring role model I try to be. When a ten-year-old treats people with open disrespect in my Aikido classes, it’s hard to stay calm. When an adult grad student presents a know-it-all attitude before ever working at a real job, I can get steamed up. When a colleague argues with me, I argue more passionately. I get defensive easily. I get Angry far too easily. This can be my default setting.

What do you mean wrong? Hulk never wrong!

Anger is not the place you want to start if you’re trying to teach, coach, support, and build up others. It’s also not a good place to spend time in general.

My temper got stupid too many times. When I was about 12 years old, I lost my temper because my younger sister could do a handstand pushup and I couldn’t. I got embarrassed and flipped my dad’s desk over in a fit of rage.

Dad had been a professional boxer when he was younger and knew something about dealing with rage. He taught me the error of my ways through a combination of hard labor (mine) and self-discipline (his). Among other things, he enrolled me in karate classes to teach me self-discipline which let me begin the work to master myself.

I have a lot of experience with anger, and here are some things I’ve found that help me.

• Learn how to breathe. Teach yourself to back off for a moment and take a deep belly breath in and out. Make it a rule and it becomes a habit. This slows down the chemical dump of adrenaline in your body and gives you a chance to react with some thought instead of blindly lashing out. Martial arts and yoga can help you, or Google “4 by 4 breathing” for a quick intro.

• Exercise every day. Physical health is a requirement for mental health! Sitting at a desk or watching TV won’t let your body flush out the stress chemicals that can build up fast. Doesn’t have to be much - a long walk or do some squats and stretching.

• Get enough sleep. Lack of sleep makes you irritable. Also, it makes you stupid. Get a bit more sleep than you think you need, your body and mind will both thank you. Naps are wonderful but not too close to bedtime. Avoid caffeine late in the day.

• Anger is often triggered by fear. Could be fear of losing status, having your ideas put down, fear of loss, shaming, physical fear, or anything that your mind interprets as a threat. Learn if the things you fear are real or exaggerated.

• Talk with someone you trust. It’s a sign of strength to have the confidence to face your problems and deal with them rather than denying anything’s wrong.

• Be social. Maintain your friendships and spend time with people you like.

• Get help. Get help. Don’t be the fool who won’t see a doctor until the cancer has already killed you. You can do positive things on your own for mental health but sometimes a band-aid you can put on just isn’t enough. Don’t be embarrassed. Would it bother you to see a doctor for a broken leg? Broken emotions are just as serious. Get help.

• Stop doom-scrolling and cut back on the news. Media has a huge incentive to capture and keep your attention. They focus tightly on the horrific, terrible, scary, and unusual. Focus on the things affecting you.

• Drugs can be a help. Your brain is living in a bath of chemicals. If they get out of whack, so do you. Don’t hesitate to use them if your doctor prescribes them.

• Learn to tell the difference between things you can impact and things you have no control over. If you absolutely MUST be angry at something, reserve your anger for the things you can change - then use the anger for fuel to do it.

• Meditation can help you separate your feelings from who you are. It can help you step back a little and realize that this emotion is a passing thing that you can choose to ignore or choose to lean into.

• Work with your hands. Play a guitar or repair something around the house. I don’t know why it works, but it seems to help keep me calm and the effects last for a while.

No guarantees but it seems that using these helps me. For me, anxiety leads to irritability, which leads to a short fuse, which leads to blow-ups over trivial things. Stopping that spiral as early as possible is my goal. The farther into the spiral I get, the harder it is to calm down.

Whenever something hits me (literally or emotionally) I make it my first rule now to step back and take a deep breath… or several, before I react.